im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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