I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
