so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
