Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
