my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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