I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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