Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
