i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
