True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
