It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
