its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
