All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
