She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
