where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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