how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
