By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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