I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
