Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
