why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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