I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
