I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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