i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
