everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I need to sanitize my soul.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
