I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
