i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize