Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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