We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
