and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
