I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
