you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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