can u get pink eye on your cock?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
