Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
