sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
