you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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