Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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