I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
