omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
