You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize