I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
