WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
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