the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
