I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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