I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
