My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
