My underwear smells like fireworks.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
