the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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