Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
