dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
