In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
