Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
