what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
