How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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