I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
