Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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