so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
