the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
