If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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