After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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