I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
