I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
